flash fiction: Losing My Focus

It’s Wednesday. Are you ready for the word? I’m not., but I’m committed to giving it a whirl.

From Wordsmith.org, Today’s Word:
peremptory. adj. dictatorial. expressing command or urgency. not admitting any question or contradiction.

I admit, I went to a thesaurus in search of connections: dictatorial – bossy – overbearing – high and mighty.

***

I walked into the house carrying a bushel of fresh picked apples. A waft of Yankee Harvest candle overcame me, which was then overpowered by a stream of staccato jazz violin — Stephane Grappelli, her favorite. I don’t know any other violinists, but I know Grappelli well. He’s her “pick me up” music she plays when cleaning house or scrubbing dishes or ignoring her lingering doom.

She meandered down the hall, like a skeleton in jeans. The apples were heavy, and her appearance shocked me. I dropped the bushel onto the floor harder than I intended.

“Careful, Maggie! If they’re too heavy, ask for help.” Even in a state of decline, her peremptory voice commanded subservience.

“Sorry, Mom. It slipped.” I slipped. She hated it when I reacted too strongly to her thinning hair and gaunt face. When I visited, I forced myself to look her straight in the eyes, zero in on her amber irises, watch her pupils shrink and grow with the changing light through the window. Only when she turned towards the kitchen, and I followed, was I allowed to study the sharpness of her shoulder blades. My heart fell.

“I picked two bushels of Macs and Paula Reds, mixed. Those are good, right? How many apple crisps are we making today?”

“Paula’s are good, Macs will do. I need ten crisps. One for the Johnson widows down the street, three for the church bazaar, five for St. Vincent DePaul – soup kitchen’s open tomorrow. And, one for you, my sweet.” She looked over her glasses at me, straight into my anguished face. “Get that expression off your face, Maggie. Only smiles in this house today.”

I swallowed hard. “Yes, Mother. I’ll go get the other bushel.”

She hollered from the kitchen as I stepped through the front door, “And, don’t drop them this time, missy!”

Behind the open trunk of the car, I broke down. When she told me of the cancer six months ago, she declared it a minor disruption. She demanded I see it the same way. She refused to listen to my fears. This apple crisp bake-off is a tradition. I knew it was coming. But, I hadn’t prepared for the wrench on my heart.

I gave myself exactly one minute to fall apart, then I wiped my face with my sleeve, put on some lip gloss, and straightened my hair. I picked up the bushel and balanced it between the bumper and my legs. Then, I slammed the trunk.

She was standing in the front doorway.

“What’s taking you so long? We’re on a schedule here, and you know how long it takes to peel those apples.”

Her sharp tongue whipped me into a staunch laugh. “God, Mom. I’m coming! These apples are heavy.”

“So is your hand when you peel them.” She eyed me up as she held open the door and I slid past. “Let’s try not to take out half the flesh when you peel the skin away this year. Got it?”

She slapped me on the bottom and sent me marching into the kitchen.

Bad Draft or Bad Writing Day?

The last time I sat down to work on my novel, the words read pale and lifeless. I’m only on chapter two. This can’t be a good sign.

I wrote a lot last week,on other pieces. My brain was too tired to rework any more stories. I decided I needed a break from writing, a chance to refuel. I dove into a book about writing instead: Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones.

I’ve read bits and pieces of her book before, but this time one passage struck me.

“If every time you sat down, you expected something great, writing would always be a great disappointment.”

My writing experience lies in short pieces: blog posts, articles under 1000 words, or short stories no more than five pages. In such a compact writing space, I easily devote time and energy to edit and re-edit a whole piece to the point of satisfaction, sometimes even pride.

Now I look at a novel and its end goal of 80,000 words or 100+ pages. Subconsciously, I expect myself to sit down and write a great second draft. When I couldn’t rework even one good chapter the other day, I did feel disappointed. And, discouraged.

Time is of the essence, I thought, this story is going to get old, and fast.

If I want to rush through a re-write just to get the story out, before it becomes a bore (before I lose my confidence), maybe the story should be shelved for a while. Perhaps even for good.

How do you know when the masterpiece you poured onto paper isn’t such a masterpiece after all? Sure, elements of the story show promise, but the story as a whole reads average, not great. And, how do you know the diffference between a weak premise and a bad writing day?

***

Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones (Boston, MA: Shambhala Publications, Inc, 1986), p. 11.

Quiet Activism

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Today is Blog Action Day, when over 7,000 bloggers unite to post on one single topic: Climate Change.

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When Jessica Atcheson put out a call on SheWrites.com for fellow bloggers to participate in Blog Action Day, I’m not sure what drove me to sign up. I’m a cynic about most things political. I skirt TV campaign ads during critical races. I shy away from protests. I rarely sign petitions. Really, I am not an activist. Still, I clicked, I registered my blog, and I committed. Then, I thought, what do I know about climate change?

I wrote several drafts of a post and tried to come up with one grand idea that would mark the greatest effect on climate change. But, the same thought returned again and again: I am just one person. What effect can I possibly have on such a big issue? Then, I read an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel* about efforts to reseed wild rice beds in northern Wisconsin, and it struck me. I can be an activist even if I don’t pump a protest sign or throw my voice through a bull horn. I can stay on the grid, keep my car, and still affect change little by little.

In the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Meg Jones reports that the Wisconsin Indian Wildlife Commission, Department of Natural Resources, various tribes and private individuals formed an alliance around 15 years ago. The group embarked on a mission to reseed old wild rice beds and restore some of Wisconsin’s natural habitats.

MJS wildrice 1 of hoffman.jpg wildriceEach year, wild rice seeds are tossed back into beds found in lakes and flowages. Some seeds rise back to the surface and are lost to the cause. But other seeds sink down into the rich, wet soil. They take root, grow, and flourish, providing food and attracting wildlife back into the area.

Reseeding is a quiet and slow process. It involves a canoe and two men. One man guides the canoe, while the other man sinks his hand into a bag, scoops out hundreds of seeds and commits them back into the water. A simple action that, in repetition, will produce a powerful effect on the climate.

I can’t afford to buy a smart car. Nor can I afford solar panels on my home or eco-toilets for my bathrooms. Still, in taking one action at a time, I can become a good steward of the environment.

Here are some ideas (and links to sites) for actions one person can take every day:

In good stewardship, one neighbor near our home refused to cut a dying tree down to its quick. Instead of erasing all evidence of the red oak tree’s existence, the homeowner transformed the remaining trunk into a visual reminder that nature’s spirit surrounds us.

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We should pay more attention and do our part to take care of her. How will you be a good steward today?
For more information on ways you can become involved, check out the Partners working with the organizers of Blog Action Day 2009.

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* Jones, Meg. “Reseeding Project Gets to Rice’s Historic Roots.” The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 5 October 2009. Web and print.